A LawlClan Christmas Carol
by literate lawlclan union
Summary: A story about LawlClan and the Literate Union. Don't read unless you've visited both forums.


**This is a Lawlclan and Literate Union fanfic. If you've never been to either forum, then this won't make any sense.**

* * *

Cast

**Wolfblaze** - Jimmy (Sextuple Covalent Mo2 Bond)

**Wildheart** - Ten (Ten ways to spoil dinner)

**Piratestripe** - Pirate (The Pirate on Wheels)

**Kelvinwing** - Kelvin (Lord Kelvin)

**Foxwhisker** - Mars (halloweenbaby)

**Jayfeather** - Jay (Deleteduserdeletedaccount)

**Spiderstar** - Veni (Veni0Vidi0Vici)

**Squirrelfur** - Frosty (Flamefrost)

**Fawnflight** - Ferret (Hacek)

**Spottedbird** - Luna (Psychologically DysFUNctional)

**Ravenwhisker** - Raven (Duke Silver)

**Cricketpaw** - Reada (Reada's Symphony)

**Amberstep** - Amber (AmberyAmber)

* * *

A Lawlclan Christmas Carol

Once, there was a grouchy old fart named Wildheart, who had a gruff voice, a permanent scowl on his face, ugly and crooked yellow teeth, messed-up hair and bags under his eyes. Wildheart was just like Ebenezer Scrooge except he was a lot more of an asshole.

One Christmas Eve night, Wolfblaze was walking over to Wildheart's house. Wolfblaze knocked on the door and then, Wildheart answered it.

"Hey, Wildheart! Merry Christmas!" Wolfblaze said happily.

"Whaddaya want, Wolfblaze?" Wildheart asked grumpily.

"We're havin' a LawlClan Christmas party tonight. You wanna come?"

"No. I hate parties,"

"C'mon, Wildheart. Don't be like that. It's Christmas!"

"I hate Christmas and I ain't goin' to no party," Wildheart said.

"Oh, yes, you are! I'm not lettin' you spend Christmas Eve alone," Wolfblaze said adamantly.

Wolfblaze grabbed Wildheart and dragged him to the party.

* * *

At the party, everyone was having a good time. Everyone except Wildheart, that is.

Wildheart, being the curmudgeon that he is, was sitting in a corner of the room away from everyonee else. Foxwhisker, being the dumb bitch that she is, decided to bother Wildheart.

"Hi, Wildheart. Merry Christmas," Foxwhisker said.

"Fuck off, bitch," Wildheart said.

"I got you a present. Do you wanna open it?"

Foxwhisker showed Wildheart the present. Wildheart immediately whacked the present out of Foxwhisker's hands, causing it to fall on the floor and break.

"Wildheart, why are you acting like a grinch?" Foxwhisker asked.

"I told you to fuck off!" Wildheart said.

"But, Wildheart, it's Christmas!"

"I hate Christmas,"

"How can you say that, Wildheart? Christmas is the most wonderful time of year,"

"Christmas is a load of bullcrap. Now, get lost before I beat yer ass,"

Tears started to form in Foxwhisker's eyes.

"I was also kinda hoping that you'd spend Christmas Day with me tomorrow. Will you at least think about it?" Foxwhisker asked.

Wildheart was so pissed off that he got up in Foxwhisker's face.

"NO! I DON'T WANNA SPEND CHRISTMAS WITH YOU! GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL! I HATE CHRISTMAS AND I HATE YOU! SO, GET THE HELL OUTTA MY LIFE, YA LITTLE BITCH! ALL I WANT IS PIRATESTRIPE!"

Foxwhisker ran off crying like a bitch. Wolfblaze saw what happened and was so pissed off at Wildheart that he went over and punched him in the face.

"Damn it, Wildheart! What the hell is your problem? All Foxwhisker wanted was to spend Christmas with you," Wolfblaze said angrily.

"Fuck Foxwhisker! She's a bitch! I want Piratestripe!" Wildheart shouted.

"Screw Piratestripe! He's not comin' back! You're wreckin' Christmas 'cause of him,"

"Fuck Christmas,"

"I hope you don't mean that, Wildheart. Bad things happen to people who mess with Christmas,"

"I don't care,"

"That's what Ebenezer Scrooge said and guess what happened to him. He was visited by spirits who showed him the error of his ways. That's what gonna happen to you unless you quit bein' a jerk,"

"Whatever. I'm goin' home," Wildheart said.

"Fine. Go rot in your crap shack for all I care," Wolfblaze said.

* * *

Later that night, Wildheart was alone at his house when suddenly, he heard a ghostly voice.

"Wildheart!" the voice said.

"Who's there?" Wildheart asked.

"Wildheart!"

"Whoever you are, get lost!"

The ghost of Jayfeather appeared.

"Hello, Wildheart. I am the ghost of someone who hated Christmas. I treated everyone around me like crap and now, I hafta wear these heavy chains for all eternity as punishment," Jayfeather said.

"Yeah, so? Whaddaya want?" Wildheart asked.

"I have a very important message for you. Tonight, you will be visited by three more spirits. Each one will be scarier than the last. If you don't change your evil ways, you will suffer a fate worse than mine,"

"Pfft. Yeah, right,"

"Don't say I didn't warn you,"

Jayfeather's ghost faded away.

"Spirits...what a load of bullshit," Wildheart grumbled.

* * *

Wildheart was about to go to bed when he was startled by the ghost of Spiderstar.

"Who the hell are you?" Wildheart asked.

"I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past," Spiderstar said.

"You don't scare me,"

Spiderstar beat the crap out of Wildheart.

"Do I scare you now?" Spiderstar asked.

"Maybe a little," Wildheart said.

"Good. Tonight, we're gonna pay a visit to your past,"

"I ain't goin' nowhere,"

"Either you come with me or I'll beat you with my sword again,"

"Do it,"

Spiderstar beat the shit out of Wildheart this time.

"Alright, you win," Wildheart said.

Spiderstar took Wildheart back in time.

* * *

_One year ago at the Literate Union Christmas Party..._

Wildheart used to be a lot happier and nicer until today. Today, something died inside Wildheart all because of a heartless jerk named Piratestripe.

"Oh, boy! I'm excited about us gettin' married tomorrow, Piratestripe!" Past Wildheart said happily.

"Actually, Wildheart, I need to tell you something," Past Piratestripe said.

"What is it?"

"I decided I don't wanna marry you anymore. I wanna marry Kelvinwing instead,"

"KELVINWING? But, Piratestripe, I thought you loved me!" Past Wildheart said.

"I never loved you, Wildheart. I just told you that 'cause I felt sorry for you. Kelvinwing is way cooler than you'll ever be. Later, loser," Past Piratestripe said.

Past Piratestripe walked off. Past Wildheart was so heartbroken that he cried like a bitch and ran off into another room. Past Wolfblaze saw this and went after him.

"Wildheart, what's wrong?" Past Wolfblaze asked.

"PIRATESTRIPE CALLED ME A LOSER AND DUMPED ME FOR KELVINWING, WOLFBLAZE! AFTER ALL WE'VE BEEN THROUGH!" Past Wildheart cried.

"Oh, my god. What a bastard,"

"I GAVE PIRATESTRIPE THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE, WOLFBLAZE! I REALLY LOVED HIM!"

"I am so sorry, Wildheart,"

"I WANT MY PIRATESTRIPE BACK, WOLFBLAZE! I WANT HIM TO LOVE ME INSTEAD OF KELVINWING!"

Past Wildheart continued to cry. Past Wolfblaze hugged and comforted him.

"It's gonna be okay, Wildheart. It's gonna be okay," Past Wolfblaze said.

"No, it's not. I'm never gonna fall in love again," Past Wildheart said sadly.

Wildheart and Spiderstar saw the whole thing.

"You were never the same after that. You were so attached to Piratestripe that you couldn't let him go and as a result, you became a ghost of your former self," Spiderstar said to Wildheart.

"It's all that dumbass Kelvinwing's fault," Wildheart said grumpily.

"It's not Kelvinwing's fault. All you had to do was move on and then, you wouldn't be the miserable person you are now,"

"I wanna go home! I wanna go home!"

"Fine. What a baby,"

* * *

Wildheart was asleep in his bed. He was mumbling in his sleep.

"...Piratestripe...Piratestripe...Piratestripe..."

Suddenly, someone whacked Wildheart's ass. Wildheart immediately woke up and screamed like a bitch. Then, he saw the ghost of Squirrelfur and screamed like a bitch again.

"WHAT NOW?" Wildheart shouted.

"I am the Ghost of Christmas Present," Squirrelfur said.

"I DON'T CARE! GET OUTTA MY HOUSE!"

"Not until you see what your cruel actions have caused,"

Squirrelfur grabbed Wildheart and took him to Foxwhisker's house. Foxwhisker was in her bedroom, crying like a bitch. Wolfblaze walked into the room and sat next to Foxwhisker.

"Foxwhisker, are you alright?" Wolfblaze asked.

"Wildheart hates me, Wolfblaze," Foxwhisker said sadly.

"No, he doesn't,"

"Yes, he does. He even said so,"

"I'm sure he didn't mean it. Wildheart's just bein' a jerk 'cause he can't get over Piratestripe. You know how bullheaded he is,"

"I just wanted to spend Christmas with him, Wolfblaze,"

"I know you did, Foxwhisker. I know you did,"

"Why does Wildheart hate me? Why doesn't he like me the way he likes Piratestripe?"

Foxwhisker continued to cry like a bitch. Wolfblaze hugged and comforted her.

"See? You're ruining her Christmas. Why can't you just dump that jerk Piratestripe for Foxwhisker?" Squirrelfur nagged.

"SHUT YOUR DAMN FACE! I'D CHOOSE PIRATESTRIPE OVER THAT BITCH FOXWHISKER ANYDAY!" Wildheart shouted.

Squirrelfur was so pissed off at Wildheart that she punched him in the face and knocked him out.

* * *

Wildheart was asleep in his bed again. He woke up and saw the ghost of Fawnflight. Wildheart was so scared that he screamed like a girl and fell out of bed, causing Fawnflight to laugh.

"WHAT THE FUCK? YOU SCARED THE CRAP OUTTA ME!" Wildheart shouted.

"That was the point! I'm the Ghost of Christmas Future and I'm gonna show you what your future will be like if you don't change," Fawnflight said.

Fawnflight took Wildheart forward in time.

* * *

_Sometime in the future..._

Wildheart and Fawnflight arrived at a party.

"Where are we?" Wildheart asked.

"At a funeral," Fawnflight said.

"How in hell is this a funeral?"

"It's not just any funeral; it's your funeral,"

"Why is everyone partying?" Wildheart asked.

"Because you're dead, you turd. Everyone hated you so much they wanted you to die," Fawnflight said.

Everyone from LawlClan and the Literate Union was celebrating Wildheart's death. At the party, there was a huge banner that read "No More Wildheart". There was food, beverages, music and dancing and there was even a game called "Pin the Tail on Wildheart's Big Fat Stupid Ass".

"Man, am I glad Wildheart died! I can't believe I was actually stupid enough to be friends with him," Future Wolfblaze said.

"I can't believe someone was actually stupid enough to give birth to him," Future Ravenwhisker said.

"Good riddance! The world is a better place now that Wildheart's gone," Future Spottedbird said.

Wildheart and Fawnflight heard the conversation.

"How did I die?" Wildheart asked.

"You wrecked Foxwhisker's Christmas and made her commit suicide. After her funeral, everyone realized it was your fault she died. They were so angry at you that they trapped you in your own house and burned it down to the ground," Fawnflight said.

"So, are these the shadows of things that will be or the shadows of things that may be?"

"That depends. Are you gonna change?"

"No,"

"Then, it's the first one,"

"You seriously expect me to believe that?" Wildheart asked.

"Yeah," Fawnflight said.

"Well, I don't,"

"Okay. You asked for it,"

* * *

Unlike Ebenezer Scrooge, Wildheart didn't learn his lesson. His future became real just like Fawnflight's ghost said it would.

After Wildheart died, he woke up in the middle of a field. When Wildheart woke up, he discovered he was an lolcow.

"AAAHHH! WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?" Wildheart shouted.

"Look, it's an lolcow!" a voice shouted.

Wildheart saw Cricketpaw running towards him.

"Hi, lolcow! I'm gonna take you home with me!" Cricketpaw said.

Cricketpaw dragged Wildheart to her home and showed him to Amberstep.

"Amberstep, I found an lolcow! Can I keep it?" Cricketpaw asked.

"I dunno, Cricketpaw. Lolcows are a lotta work," Amberstep said.

"Please, Amberstep? I promise I'll abuse it,"

"Alright, Cricketpaw. You can keep it,"

"YAY! Thanks, Amberstep! You're the best!"

Cricketpaw put a leash on Wildheart.

"C'mon, lolcow. I'm gonna give you a lava bath. You stink," Cricketpaw said.

"NOOOOO! I DON'T WANNA BE AN LOLCOW!" Wildheart shouted.

Wildheart cried like a bitch while Cricketpaw dragged him away. Wildheart spent the rest of eternity as a miserable lolcow and he never bothered anyone ever again.


End file.
